Yup, I said it. I probably have a very vulgar mouth compared to some of the other spiritual people. Those people are gentle and speak softly. I am gentle too, when it is called for. But “fuck” has been the most used word in my vocabulary since starting on this path. I tried to avoid it. I tried to escape it. The thing is, the way this journey is, some sort of expletive is called for at some point. When I feel that my insides are bleeding out and I’m raw and have red puffy eyes from crying my heart out, screaming a good swear word helps. I can’t explain it. It just does.
You see, when I first started on this journey, I was ready to give up everything, that I was to “fit” the spiritual mold. I thought I had to change, to look and act and be a certain way. No swearing, no smoking, no drinking, no angry thoughts, no, no, no and more no. I was so used to being told “no” that when I finally found something that said, “you do you”, it really fucking messed me up. How was I supposed to think, do, be, act if some sort of religious or societal “leader” didn’t tell me? Who was I without those rules? What do you mean I get to choose how I wanted to be, with no judgement? I think that was the hardest part if it all.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t swear just to make a show of it. But sometimes no other word will do. When I give a fuck, I really give a fuck; if I don’t care, I really don’t fucking care. My freedom has come, and I find that I can be my true self when I’m not afraid of judgment. That includes judgment on my vocabulary. I know that I probably won’t be for everyone, and please know that it’s not done to offend, it’s just who I am. I do it for emphasis, I do it because being my authentic self means I give space, and permission to those that want to be their trustiest, most authentic selves.
So next time you’re feeling raw, the next time this journey has you questioning what you are doing, scream a loud “fuck”, it just might be the thing that breaks through to make you smile.